chaff

Long time no post, folks.

Chaff is moving to a new home!

Am currently in the process of shifting all the old posts over, and you may expect new hilarity soon to be forthcoming.  Find us in future hither:

WWW.BAFFLEGAB.ORG

See you there!

Well, I'm gainfully employed again, doing the part time thing at a bookstore, though for a couple of weeks I was working for a tech-support call centre (and for a still shorter time I was doing both, which was altogether too much working).

While I didn't actually get any calls quite as classic as the ol' "my drink-holder broke off" thing, it was an education to be helping the general public with 'puter related stuff.  (Actually, with "doing your taxes on your 'puter" stuff, to be precise.)  First of all, it seems that nearly nobody knows what version of Windows they are running.  Here's a helpful guide. Does it look like it's made of drool-proof semi-translucent plastic?  That'll be XP.  Is it an absolute steaming pile of shit?  That's ME you got right there.  Do something about it.

Some entertaining dialogue overheard from a co-worker in my 'quad' of workers;

"...ok, now press that button. ...What didn't disappear? ...It doesn't go anywhere, it's a BUTTON."

One final piece of advice.  If you've called an IT helpdesk, and they're issuing you with instructions, DON'T JUST GO AHEAD AND CLICK SHIT AT RANDOM WHILE THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW TO FIX IT.  Hearing the distinctive 'error sound' while instructing someone in a simple procedure which should be entirely without error messages is frustrating, and counter-productive.  If you were so fucking clever, you wouldn't have needed to call them in the first place.

As much as I whinge, though, it actually wasn't a bad job, compared to some I've done, and I met some entertaining locals, as well.  The bookstore gig is pretty mellow, too.

Anyway, that concludes this installment in the increasingly infrequent adventures of BWP.  In other exciting news, chaff will soon be moving to another blog provider, since this one has started to threaten making us pay monies to continue here, and frankly if I wanted to pay monies, I'd just pay for hosting and set up some bloggy action of my own with one of the lovely range of utterly free and reliable open-source blog setup things.  Similar price, less arbitrary restrictions.

_{Posted by BonusWavePilot}

OK, so there are certain items which, while useful, are essentially identical from one brand to the next, and thus need to go to amazing rhetorical lengths to try to gain the upper hand in terms of sales. Margarine, for example. Indeed, the sameness of margarine, and the need for impressive marketing based differentiation was used at one stage by a 'Job Network Provider' (AKA Dole Parole) to explain to a group of which I was part the neccessity of having a really good resume. (The unstated assumption being that we were, in fact, as indestinguishable as the aforementioned chemical goo).

Likewise with many personal grooming products; razors with 5 blades ('cause there might be a facial hair somewhere which will withstand the onslaught of a mere 4) and the topic of my rant; toothbrushes. Now, the physics of brushing one's teeth is, as I understand it, fairly straightforward. One uses a bristly device to scrape food fragments out of crevices in the teeth and gums, and to scrape off tartar, thus helping prevent cavities and the like.

Like margarine, I tend to suspect most 'advances' in the field are gimmicks to differentiate a product from the pack, and justify an inflated price. I saw an advertisement today for the most ludicrously gimmicky toothbrush yet. The Oral-B Triumph. The damn thing has a computer, and small LCD display built into it. It gives you 'useful' information in 13 languages; stuff like how long you've brushed your teeth for. You can set it to vibrate in various different ways, which apparently has some kind of benificial effect, and, if I may quote from their website; "...a professional timer [which] signals every 30 seconds to encourage thorough brushing of the four mouth quadrants..." (my emphasis).

The four mouth quadrants. The very existence of such a phrase surely signals the point of no return in the decadence of a society, and its accelerating decline. I am looking forward to my computerised toilet rolls which will guide me with digitised verbal cues to ensure appropriately balanced inter-arsal containment integrity.

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_{Posted by BonusWavePilot}

Proliferal: - n; consumer appliance purchased for a legitimate purpose which leads to infinate upgrades.  i.e. mobile phone -> polyphonic ringtones, rugged plastic cover, little flashy light things, headset, internal tooth-mobile etc.

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_{Posted by BonusWavePilot} 

My multi-talented sister wrote these two poems as study aids, mnemonic devices, for her vet science course (Paul, mentioned in the first poem, is one of her lecturers). They're under Scholastic Pedantry only because of this connection to academia. I sort of had to give the second one a title, because I don't think my sister entitled it. (And, if she'd like to get in touch with me, I can give it whatever proper title it should have: and give her a pseudonym as well!) Enjoy!

Veterinary Anatomical Terms
(A discussion in verse, of dubious literary merit.)

Dear Paul, I hope it shall not make you terse,
that I shall answer this in verse.
With Anatomy’s origins I shall start
from “Temnein”- cut, and “Ana”- apart,
within the science of anatomy
are many fields of speciality,
from embryology to neurology,
to funnier names as we shall see,
to fields such as splanchnology,
(a name that fills myself with glee),
but is the study of viscera, simply

To accurately make a description
requires the use of direction,
such as the median plane which carves,
the body into similar halves,
and parallel to the median plane,
we can describe paramedian planes.
A plane passing at right angles to
the body that it passes through
is described as a transverse plane,
while should you wish to look again,
at a plane that’s perpendicular to
the median and the transverse too,
the frontal plane’s the one for you!

In naming terms of anatomy
we refer to a learned committee,
which is by name the ICVGAN
and follows its cardinal rules seven:
1. Each anatomical concept should have, you’ll find
a single term for it defined,
(as in all things there are, its true
some exceptions, but we hope few)
2. On the official list, the name must be in Latin,
and though we know we must follow this pattern,
of Latin the official tongue, it will be
fine to use other languages locally,
3. Three is a rule easy to report,
terms shall be simple and shall be short
4. and easy for us to remember,
with instructive and descriptive value,
5. Structures closely related topographically
shall be named similarly
6. and if differentiating adjectives you shall use,
opposites shall least confuse,
7. and finally the seventh rule,
terms from proper names shan’t be used, aren’t cool

The official terms can all be found
in a fascinating book that’s bound
to be of interest in every area
the Nomina Anatomica Veterinaria


Cranial is towards the head
towards the tail “Caudal”s said,
towards the back is dorsal
while to the belly ventral
and to the side lateral
and once you are upon the head,
towards the nose you’re “Rostral” led,
and now a few that end with ‘ial’,
away from the axis “Abaxial”
towards the axis “Axial”
towards the midline “Medial”

Proximal is towards the trunk
away from there you’re Distal slunk
(I hope this slunk does not confuse
but rhyming wise I’m short of muse)

To turn face upwards “Supinate”
and turn face down “Pronate”
To describe the surface of a cone?
“Circumduct” is how it’s known
“Flex” away from 180 degrees,
“Extend” returns you there with ease,
To move away from the median plane,
we say “Abduct” to make it plain,
while “Adduct” takes us back again

If moving round an axis is a part’s fate
we say it is going to “Rotate”
if drawing forward is the act,
then that we say is to “Protract”
while pulling back is to “Retract”

It is also important to know,
the regions of the body, so
we see the head is the “Caput”
with Face and Cranium, but
if you’re looking for the neck,
the “Collum” is what you’ll get
the “Truncus” can for Trunk be said
within this region may be read
of back and pelvis, thorax too
and abdomen as well, its true
the tail we may describe as “Cauda”
but what on earth would be a “Membra”?
why it would be a limb, in which
are manifold descriptive bits:
axilla, cubitus, manus too
here I’ll name but these few
and move along finally
to mention specific terminology

Directional terms sometimes may change!
In different regions, there’s a range
such as looking underneath the foot,
in forepaw there, “Palmar” will suit,
but not in hindpaw where we say
“Plantar” is what’s down that way

Within the language of anatomy
are many other aspects but unfortunately
I have not time to discuss them here,
as this is an exam, I fear
and thus there isn’t time to list
the prefixes, suffixes I have missed
but I hope I’ve writ enough
of the most fundamental stuff
and thus this much will have to do
and so for now I say Adieu!
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Staphs and Streps

Don’t fret that lesions look the same
When caused by staphs and streps
If telling them apart’s your aim
Just follow easy steps!!

Remember, though it may amaze-
These facts regarding catalase
While staphs are always pos’tive, you
Will see for streps, reverse is true

Oh evil staphs, virulent arrival!
How we curse your coagulase,
Damn your intracellular survival!
And your Capsule’s inedible ways!
How we loathe your techoic acid
Your sharp crystal urease
Exotoxins that are far from placid
So you hurt us for days after days!!!

Of the innocence of Alpha-haemolytic streps you find
Don’t be fooled in any instance!
Though their virulence may be mild, keep in mind
Their broad antibiotic resistance!

Conversely with Beta-haemolytic streps, we
Must not forget the deal,
That virulent, nasty as they may be,
Penicillin’s their Achilles heel!!
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- Posted by Rabbit Zero

Just a quick note: we're top of Google if we do this, but unfortunately not if we do this ... not by a long way, I suspect. But hey, who the fuck uses bibliometrics these days, anyway?

Blogspirit gives us ways to keep track of the viewers that check us out- we seem to have a lot of unique viewers, which I take it means that most people have a 'once bitten, twice shy' approach to the site. (And, dear readers, if this is your first time here, please scroll down and check us out... no, don't go, it gets better, less pleading, less self-deprication for the sake of a cheap joke... check out this, or this... hehehe... like I said, 'popularity contest', B-Dubya). Also, how do I know that half the unique visits aren't just me logging in, or seeing if B-Dubya has posted something, but from a machine I don't normally use? My PC and 'net connection being pretty much Stone Age and all.

- Posted by Rabbit Zero.

B-Dubya and I were having a good old yarn last night, and somehow got onto the topic of vampires... ahh yes, he was telling me about the stuff he was downloading now that he has a nice, quick, beefy connection, and mentioned the TV show Ultraviolet. For the uninitiated, it's a Brit mini-show thang of a few years back: imagine, if you will, The Sweeney meets Vampire: The Masquerade. (And if that put you off, it's a lot better than that stinker, Kindred: The Embraced.)

Anyway, he said it would be cool to be a vampire, and to have the power to charm, to dominate others, an so on and so forth (Auspex, Celerity, etc. ; )  ). I said that I thought I would not have those powers, if I was a vampire. I think that maybe there is a confirmation fallacy of some sort going on here. Older vampires wish to increase their power, in a Machiavellian rather than a mystical sense, so of course when it comes to making new vampire underlings, they'll target those who can assist them in their schemes- the confident, the charming, the social climbers (don't you all regret being popular at school now- huh?!). I said that I'd be the sort of vampire who ended up working night-fill at the local supermarket.

I also said that perhaps a vampire's powers are gained simply through a sort of osmosis from what they do: go around being a social climber (albeit, an undead one) and your powers would turn out to be based on your ability to charm, dominate, etc. As a member of the working-class undead, after long exposure to the ways and means of night-fill (it's a career!) my powers would be based around (for instance):

• Calculating exactly how long until my next break (extraordinary time-sense);
• Customer service (unbelievably surly, maybe a-"These are the peas you're looking for"-Ben Kenobi Force suggestion thing, or just plain old invisibility to customers seeking help);
• Charting my way through the ever-changing labyrinth that is shelving (direct sense);
• Calculation by eye of how much stock is left on the shelf, or on the pallet (if my memories of The X Files serve me well-and they certainly do that-then vampires of all sorts are meant to be obsessive bean counters)

B-Dubya said that as a vampire I'd blend in with all the other staff: 'No one will ever know!'

With powers like these, one day I might even make night-fill manager!

- Posted by Rabbit Zero

I started to write this as a comment on R0's last post, but have decided to air it here in the broader forum of the blog proper.

The Simpsons is an odd phenomenon. For a start, it's on TV, and it doesn't suck, which makes it an oddity at least, but more to the point is the aforementioned tendancy to quote it, and its own appropriative nature. Up to the end of season 17, by my probably slightly off count, there have been 377 episodes. At a bit more than 20 mins a piece, that's more than 125 hours of nothin' but Simpsons. They are more deeply ingrained, as Rabbit0 has pointed out, than any other cultural influence I can name. A random glance over the episode list, and I could give you a plot summary of nearly every episode, and quotes from most, especially the ones that have now been repeated ad nauseum. What's weirder, though is that the show itself spends so much time parodying other shows and events, and making sly references to such that it ends up being a strange kind of mirror of what's going on around it.

On a number of occasions, I have experienced a new piece of more 'legitimate' culture (i.e. classic film, book etc.) only to find that I already had a familiarity of a sort with it, through the Simpsons' reference. What draws you into these, though, is that if you know the reference, it's a lot funnier. When I did lit. at high school, our teacher (props to you, Meg) showed us the episode A Streetcar Named Marge while we were studying A Streetcar Named Desire, which it well and truly takes the piss out of. Thing is, aside from the silliness of it; it is the fact that the closing number, "you can always depend on the kindness of strangers" is so totally at odds with the actual ending of the play, where Blanche depends on the kindness of the men who are taking her away to an asylum after she has been brutalised by her brother-in-law which makes it so funny.

The fact that the Simpsons parodies just about any entrenched, recognisable thing around is also part of the 'jumping the shark' phenomenon. I believe having run for so long, and being so entrenched themselves, the writers have had to eat their own tails and start taking the piss out of their own conventions as well. 

It will be weird if it ends up as entrenched as Shakespeare.  (Who apparently invented an amazing amount of our words and phrases).  Will 'yoink' eventually be a word everyone uses without knowing its origin?  Not to mention d'oh... Then again, even with agonizing repitition, how long since you heard kwyjibo, or someone doing the Bart Man?

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In life, we are plagued by all sorts of questions. Some of them have answers, and some of them are probably those recurrent questions to which there will never be an answer that most people find compelling. My colleagues in the philosophy department are, I suspect, plagued by questions mostly of the latter sort: Does the past exist? What's the deal with the Sorites paradox? Why ought I be good, and just what does that mean, anyway?

But there are many other questions that motivate and infuriate the human mind- perhaps this is why Jack Kerouac said that he had nothing to offer the world but his confusion. If any readers can answer any of the questions below, I'd very much appreciate it; if any readers have similar questions, please post away.

1. Which musicians really made 'crossroads-at-mignight' style deals with the Devil in order to get their musical talent? I am assuming here that Keith Richards made a deal with the Devil, but for eternal life- which, if nothing else, should remind us all to ensure that we request eternal youth. Kids, there's a big difference.

2, How much Simpsons is too much? I realised a few years ago that my generation- and just which generation am I exactly, X or Y?- was by far more familiar with 'The Simpsons' than with any other piece of literature. Shakespeare, Homer, Raymond Chandler... nope, 'The Simpsons' is first in our cultural canon. Is this a bad thing? Suppose that we relied on literature for our morals, our worldview, our sense of other people and other peoples' lives- and these sorts of claims are very often made- then would we be worse off for looking to Homer, Lisa, Bart, et. al. for these things? In attempting to answer this question, I reccomend that you do not turn to this book: it does contain some serious philosophy, but is more accurately, I think, a testimony of fandom on the part of people who happen to be philosophers. And the most recent addition to the line (after, 'Buffy and Philosophy', 'Narnia and Philosophy', etc.) is 'The Atkins Diet and Philosophy. The sound you hear now is Socrates rolling in his grave...

(B-Dubya made an interesting point to me once, that it was a bit scary that Channel 10, which broadcasts 'The Simpsons' free to air Down Under, could cobbe together ads for other programs- 'Hercules', in this case- just by using snippets of 'The Simpsons': 'Who the devil is Hercules?'; 'Hercules, the Cyclops tore off my dress!'; etc.)

3. Why do the Australian tourism authorities- the tourist board?- think that their ad is particularly Australian? This is the ad I mean... you need Flash 7 to view it (whatever the hell that is). So, the punchline of the ad, the hard-sell, is that we, the hardworking and industrious people of Australia (and won't the tourists be disappointed when they get disabused of that notion) have put all this shit together- 'shrimps on barbies, stubbies in holders, cricket on tellie, bums on seats,' sort of stuff- so, asks Beefcake/Cheesecake, 'Where the bloody hell are you?'

Sure, it generated a little bit of controversy. But, and admittedly I've only seen the Cheesecake version, the woman sounds like she went to a Swiss Finishing School. She says 'bloody'-uncouth- but then pronounces 'you' correctly, the Queen's Own English. More realistic slogans, more true to the Australian speech and temperament, that the tourism authorities obviously did not consider (or, obviously did not consider were any good) include: 'Australia: where the fuck are yers?'; 'Australia: cart yer arse on in' (I think that one's from Patrick Cook or, gulp, 'The Simpsons'); and 'Australia: Fuck oath!'

I asked one of the philosophers the other day whether I swore too much, and he said, 'Don't worry about it- you're Australian'.

- Posted by Rabbit Zero.

Well, gentle readers, I've upped stakes and headed for our nation's capital, mighty edifice of planned streets and dams and not enough pubs that it is, and have been soaking up the local wisdom in order to condense and regurgitate it to you, my nest of flocklings.  (Which is to say that in my government funded hotel room while my SO works, I've been watching cable and I'm going to gripe about it.)

Let me let you in on Fox's secret formula for "riotous comedy" this season.  Start with a fat guy, preferrably obnoxious, even more preferrably a minor celeb.  Add a somewhat neurotic waif to be the wife, couple of cute kids to play bit parts if your budget will stretch to it.  Now rip off the Everybody Loves Raymond approach of the useless husband who is continually irritating/offending his wife by just being generally socially clueless and self-absorbed, and you've got instant comedy gold!  (Although to be fair, not all of them contain offensive, loud, parents...  One of them has an annoying sister instead.)

Don't believe me?  Let me run through some of the line-up:

• King of Queens
• According to Jim
• Still standing
• Yes, dear (OK, this one's a stretch, but at least one of the couples qualifies)

I'll give according to Jim an extra point just 'cause it's got Jim Beluschi in it, and he is of the same school of acting as Bill Murray, (unenthusiastic, and amused that anyone would pay them for this) which I respect.

OK, so in the letters column of a TMCM magazine I saw a debate going on about "Christian porn". Now, such a term intreagued me, and being the popular internet pundit that I am, I have decided to research it for the benefit of you - our viewing public.

What my googlings lead me to was not, as one might suspect, a flavour of simple pornography with church related accoutrements(WARNING: link offensive), but a movement within Christianity to fight the evils of pornography, it being a terrible temptation for the young folk, and the clergy. After visiting a popular site at the forefront of this fight, and reading an associated news article, the whole thing started to strike me as rather unintentionally funny.

Firstly, there are a couple of guys who have started essentially acting as missionaries in the porn industry itself - to the point of hanging out on porno sets and the like, preaching the wrongness of it all. I don't know if they have had much in the way of converts, but apparently one of the porno directors made them an ad for free, just for the hell of it. What gets me, though, is how much like something you might read on the back of a video in the adult section of your local vid-store (were you to chance to stray in that direction purely unintentionally) this all sounds. Two christians go to preach the gospel on the set of a porno... it's pure shitty porno plot.

Secondly, a representative for the movement is quoted in the CBN article making reference to casting seeds on infertile ground in terms of their numbers of converts. Is this a tongue-in-cheek reference to onanism, or just one of those cryptoparanomasia things again?

Lastly, some of the dialogue from the anti-porn-league is in the article, and I reproduce it here;

"Have you come across a bunch of magazines in your dad's closet that show pictures of lots of naked mommies? Did it make you feel kind of yucky?"

Now I'm no proponent of supplying minors with pornography, and there's a whole porn vs. literature debate to be considered here, but I can't help but be a bit worried by 'educational' materials that prime a kid to associate sexuality with feeling "kind of yucky". Not that pornography is likely to promote particularly realistic or educational (except in the purely mechanical sense) concepts of sexuality, especially in terms of any emotive element, but still.

The xxxchurch site is designed (as the name suggests) to lure porn searching types so that they might accidentally stumble upon the Word while looking for something rather different. To help push this false impression on to search engines, every second news article is simply a collection of likely porn search terms. Judging from the relative obscurity of some of them, it appears to be a well-researched list.

It's an interesting tactic, though. Not unlike the 'honeypot' concept of doing security research by leaving easy target computers around connected to the 'net, and studying the attacks when they occur.  I don't know how many people who hit an anti-porn site while trawling for porn are going to be moved by it, but it's a bit more savvy than just preaching the evils of porn to people in an environment where they are unlikely to even admit to viewing it.  

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Aisle Rage - The rising urge to punch fellow shoppers in the back of the head when their only crime is to step backward into one's path without looking, or stop in the centre of the aisle as something occurs to them, thus impeding one's progress.

DisURLientation -  The realisation that one has no idea what possible series of links could have lead one to be viewing a particular website, and that the original reason for going online has been entirely forgotten.

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